After Dessert

"More Clair," my 2-year-old nephew kindly asked his Dada.

Chocolate Elcair is a secret family recipe. Like Bush's Baked Beans secret family recipe. Like Chick-Fil-A's lemonade secret family recipe.

So secret that you can hardly guess the three ingredients of graham crackers, vanilla pudding and chocolate icing.

Woops.

Actually, the real secret is fitting the graham crackers together like a jigsaw puzzle.

By now you know patience is not my virtue.

So cutting up these tiny little graham crackers caused a little piece of my soul to die.

But when it comes to secret family recipes and traditions, you put on your big girl panties. Err..apron.

Or if you're Peter, put on your big boy apron and chef hat.

Anyway. "More Clair," my nephew asked.

Then, he turned around and saw the Uncle Sam cupcakes for 4th of July.

"AFTER DESSERT!" He pointed.

His eyes are bigger than his stomach, I tell ya.

And my dessert planning is bigger than our sweet tooth, I tell ya.

"After dessert" was our Kaldahl theme for our 4th of July celebration and vacation.

• Chocolate Eclair
• cinnamon rolls (which count as breakfast for some wonderful reason)
• homemade vanilla ice cream
• muffins (which are somehow different than cupcakes for some wonderful reason)
• Uncle Sam cupcakes
• Avalanche Bars
• Strawberry Pretzel Salad (as long as you put the word salad behind it, it doesn't count as dessert. i.e. Snickers Salad)
• And then there's the Cheesecake and Chocolate Cake my sweet mother-in-law made
• And the 4th of July Blueberry and Strawberry Pie my sweet 6-month-pregnant sister-in-law made (Can we blame her for our dessert indulgences??)

So yes, we ate dessert after we ate dessert.

And as such, it's time to get back into the groove, so I bring you the

ERR Workout.

Technically, ERR stands for Exercises, Reps, and Rounds.

But for me it's more like "Did I eat dessert after dessert? Err..."

"Did I eat two desserts every day for two weeks straight? Err..."

"Have I been counting my 'nursing diet' as exercise for the last month? Err..."

Here's how it works:

For the 1st round, you have 7 Exercises to complete 7 Reps for 7 Rounds. ERR. Get it? So you will perform 7 Jumping Jacks, 7 Box Jumps, 7 Star Jacks, 7 Toe Taps, 7 Plank Jacks, 7 Quick Step-Ups, and 7 Crossover Jacks. 7 Times. So basically, 49 of each by the end.

Then for the 2nd round, move to 6. Then 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. (Enjoy the 2 sips of water, my friends.)

For a frame of reference, I complete this in 31 minutes and burned 200 calories. My heart rate at its highest was 189, and average heart rate was 138.

You could certainly break it up and do the odd rounds today and even rounds tomorrow.




Or, just eat Chocolate Elcair instead. You know, after your dessert.

Double the Butter, Double the Whoops

There are several absolute truths in life.

1. If I can screw up a recipe, I will.
2. All good church potlucks have jello-salad-marshmallow-what-am-I-chewing-on fluff.
3.When either of my brothers visits my house, my parents' house, the random neighbor's house... the decor magically moves to the most obscure? hilarious? philosophical? places.

My favorite annual redecoration happens during Easter season. My mom has ceramic bunnies. One is doing a handstand. One is laying on his tummy, legs kicking, head in his hands as he lovingly gazes up. Let me just stop. Visit my parents' house at Easter to witness it yourself. And to eat ribbon salad. Because ribbon salad IS better than potluck jello salad.

But you can always count on church potlucks to have the best home cooking. And that when I contribute a dish, I mess up the recipe.

By doubling the butter called for.

"Well, let's hope it turns out."

Yes. That's what my husband said too.

(It did. It's butter. Where were you born? A dairy-free barn?!)

You should know by now I don't measure. (That's 1/2 teaspoon salt, in case you didn't know.)

You should also know I hate doing dishes. And I will take whatever means necessary do dirty one fewer dish. Even mixing Sweet Corn Spoonbread Casserole in the baking dish.

Can we take a minute to discuss "spoonbread?" Bread so soft...creamy...indulgent...buttery...you can literally spoon it out.

Yeah. You had me at butter. See the recipe below.
*Please note that I doubled the butter called for. And did not measure the sour cream. It still got gobbled up at our church potluck.


Anyway, back to the blocks.

My brother and his wife babysat Peter so the hubs and I could go out to celebrate our anniversary.

We came home to this message.

I came.
I saw.
I ate.

And while this does accurately describe his evening, it had me thinking how often we fall into the trap of just running through the motions. Or rather, just running. Running into church late because Baby spat up all over...everything. Running out of church early because it's nap time.

Coming. Seeing. Eating. Leaving.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. What I love most about food is that it brings people together. It makes us slow down to eat a meal together around the kitchen table, on the patio over a beer, on the living room floor with paper plates and pizza, in the fellowship hall with your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ fighting over the last spoonful of bread and jello salad for a church potluck.

We are united and forgiven at the foot of the cross.

And, you know. Over buttery cornbread. That we devour for hours in good company.

Sweet Corn Spoon Bread

Ingredients:

1 (8.5-ounce) package Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix

1 (14.75-ounce) can cream style corn

1 (15-ounce) can whole kernel corn, drained

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, melted*

1 cup sour cream**

3 eggs

1/2 teaspoon salt

*I used 2 sticks. Whoops.

**I didn't measure. Double whoops.

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375 and grease 2-quart casserole dish with cooking spray. In a large bowl (or in the casserole dish), combine the ingredients and mix well. Pour mixture into casserole dish. Bake 35-40 minutes, or until set.

DEVOUR. (At the church potluck.)

Naked Lemons: Starring in Cheesecake!

My favorite time to bake is right before I clean the house so I can make a complete disaster of the  kitchen.

I'm so good at making messes that one time I was grounded from eating in the living room...when I was in high school. My mom had one too many pillows turn red from spaghetti sauce, salsa, SpaghettiOs...

Yes, Peter. That's exactly what my mom thought too.

My other favorite time to bake is when we are having company. Have you read The Five Love Languages ? I'm a huge fan. Except Mr. Gary forgot to add baking as a love language.

Growing up, my Grandma Heins had a huuuuuuuge garden. Huge as in Donald Trump "huge." We frequently received more zucchinis than we could make zucchini bread. Truth be told, there were times we were frustrated. HOW can we possibly eat any more tomato, tomato, tomato sandwiches?! We don't need (want) more potatoes.

And then my cousin came to the realization that gifting food was my grandma's love language. It made her happy to make our fridges bountiful.

And one of the ways to love those we love, is to allow them to love us.

One of the traits I received from my Grandma Heins is the love to bake for those I love. (Along with never following a recipe...)

And when your Grandma Loeber is celebrating her 81st birthday - there is no better reason to bake!

Disclaimer: Your legs will likely turn this chunky if you make the following recipe.

I can always count on my friend Sally for some thigh-chunking-recipes.

But if you need to cut in cold butter, you'll burn all the calories.

Or at the very least you'll need a forearm massage.

I started with this Lemon Blueberry Cheesecake. I have just a teensy bit of Type A in me. So I started with this beautiful swirl of blueberries. Evenly spaced. Blueberries in the windows of the cheesecake. You could have measured that distance with a .1% error.

And then I had way too many blueberries left. So I started to add more, and my beautiful picture became a hodge podge of blueberries.

I actually consider digging out the blueberries to keep my pretty picture. Lie. I actually did dig out some blueberries. And then it looked even worse, so I just smooshed more in that cheesecake.

Despite it coming out like cheesecake mush, it was delicious.

Did I mention my favorite time to bake new recipes is for company? Then, if it doesn't turn out at least you have stomachs to eat it up.

Really though, my biggest critique of this recipe was shaming the lemons.

I feel so ashamed having naked lemons. Poor guys. They just look so pitiful.

My favorite memory of this recipe was getting to share it with my grandma for her birthday.

And that's what I love about food and recipes: It brings people together. It creates memories and traditions.

And it's a way to love others.

What are you baking for those you love today?

It's the Itty-Bitty Apartment Tour

I should start with apologies for it being 7 months since my last post, but instead I'll start with the announcement that I forgot the URL to my blog and had to search through my Facebook posts to find it. Yeah, I'm that bad.

In other, and much more exciting, (not to mention interesting) news...

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE.

It doesn't have a major movie title like We Bought a Zoo, but it's much cheaper to buy a house. And cleaner. And less liability. So we opted for a house.  Plus, I don't think animals are our thing. We couldn't get our pet Beta fish Humphrey to eat for 2 weeks after we brought him home from the hospital...er, PetSmart.

Walk with me through our place for an Apartment Tour. Actually, when you're here, you don't really need to walk to see the whole place. Just turn your head as you stand in this spot and you get the whole panorama.

I like to make the joke that you can see our whole apartment in one spot if you stand in the right place.

There it is. End of apartment tour. 

We have learned that apartment photographers are so skilled that the pictures they post on the apartment website makes apartment look 56 times bigger than in real life.

I tried my hand at it.

The key is to squish yourself against the wall and hold your camera in the cranny where the wall meets the ceiling.

But this apartment is full of memories of our first 11 months of marriage. And we've loved it.

Like that little Colorado pot and stake we got on our honeymoon. Instead of chocolate, it used to hold a cactus. I killed it, obviously.

I have bad luck with cacti. This one died when I left the windows open overnight and it dropped to below 50.

Ah. The one spot in the apartment that turns my morning grumpy grunts into cohesive sentences. If you look closely at the carpet below this cart, you'll find a coffee stain. From the time I tried to brew a cup of coffee into my to-go mug. With the lid still fully on.

Speaking of stupid things I've done (I'm sensing a theme here)... Let me just give my PSA: Ladies, when you use your favorite embroidered tea towel to cover your bread as it rises in your oven, be sure you set your oven to warm, and not to BROIL.

Thankfully, my kind family friend graciously embroidered me a new one.

Do any other wives find that their husbands insist their glass stays out all evening??

This is where the magic happens. 

And this is where the magic lands. 

I love red. I love FiestaWare. I love cookbooks.

And from the looks of it, we also love beer.

I can't say that I've mastered the art of French Cooking yet, but I can say that I've mastered the art of stacking my drying dishes a mile high.

Our kitchen table was a gift from my sweet in-laws, and we're happy to welcome our friends and family to this table. 

Like when we crammed my family of 8 into our itty bitty apartment for Thanksgiving.

And when my amazing husband carved the hippopotamus-sized Turkey.

Like the picture below says, these past 11 months in our apartment really have been Our Greatest Adventure. We've loved building our married life together in this place with the support and love from our family and friends. We are blessed, grateful, and excited for our move to our house.

And I have feeling that in our new house, this same Bible verse will go right above our door once again.

Eh. Close Enough.

My grandparents grew up in the Great Depression.

Cutting the cake at their anniversary celebration. Photo credit: Adriane Heins

They also were married for 65 years before my grandpa passed away last fall.

Photo Credit: Adriane Heins

My grandpa Heins was a hoot. A hard-worker. A resourceful farmer. A strong, Christian husband, father and grandfather.

Then again, my Grandma Heins is a hoot, too. She used to say, "Grandpa's got the brains, and I've got the body."

Anyways, my grandparents grew up in the Great Depression. Obviously this helped frame who they were and dictated how they did certain things.

For example, when my grandma sent over cookies to our house, she always sent them in a cereal box and bag. You know, wash out the bag in which the cereal came and cut out the back of the cereal box to create a holder.

This also carried through to her baking. You cook with what you do and don't have on hand. If you wanted to make oatmeal raisin cookies but had no oatmeal, then you'd just make raisin cookies. Or if you had an excess of watermelons that were overly juicy, then you'd make watermelon juice. (Don't try that one, guys. Just don't.)

She hit quite a few winners though. And when she would, my mom would ask her, "Can I have that recipe?"

My grandma would give her this look:

Photo credit: Adriane Heins

And then she'd just laugh. She didn't use recipes. She grew up in the Great Depression, you know. And well, honestly, she's just a darn good cook.

So I've always strived to cook like her. Little bit of this, little bit of that. And there you have a masterpiece.

Although in my case, it usually ends in a catastrophe.

Like yesterday for example. Joel and I were getting ready to leave for a friend's wedding in town and I wanted coffee for the drive. So I turn on the Keurig, grab my to-go coffee mug, throw in a K-Cup and stick my mug under spout.

Next thing I know, I'm yelling, "JOEL! Oh dear. This is bad. Very, very bad. Oh dear."

I didn't take off the lid of my to-go mug. We now have coffee-stained carpet. It's kind of like tea-stained paper..right?

Anyway, I went a little baking crazy this weekend.

Falling apart muffins are like deformed M&Ms. You just gotta eat 'em.

Actually, we just had 3 overripe bananas.So, first I made these chocolate chip banana muffins for Joel. Because without fail, every time I make them, after Joel takes the first bite he yells, "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABE." And then sinks back into the couch (which he wishes was a recliner), closes his eyes, and has a quiet moment for the muffin. I think this means he doesn't hate them.

Also. Speaking of bananas.

So two bananas were used for the above mentioned muffins. We still had one banana left, and I had just bought some craisins and whole wheat flour at the store. So I googled "Whole Wheat Banana Craisin Muffins."

I found "Whole Wheat Carrot-Raisin Muffins" instead. And I thought, "Eh. Close enough."

My first mistake was the carrots.

 It calls for 1 cup carrots, shredded and peeled. Does that mean you measure out 1 cup carrot sticks and then shred them? Or does it mean you have to shred a full cup of carrots?!

I decided to shred 1/2 cup. And I thought, "Eh. Close enough."

Then you mix together the dry ingredients.

 It calls for:

• 2 cups whole wheat flour
• I used 1 cup whole wheat flour, and 1 measuring cup with part whole wheat and part all-purpose flour.
• 1 teaspoon pumpkin spice
• I used 2 mounding teaspoons.
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• And then I also added baking powder because if you're going to put something in the oven, it ought to rise. Except I don't remember how much I put in anymore.
• And I also added cinnamon because...it's cinnamon.

Then, you mix together the wet ingredients.

 It calls for:

• 1/2 cup vanilla yogurt
• I just used one of those cute little containers.
• 1/4 cup oil
• 1/3 cup honey
• I used 1/4 cup for two reasons. 1) I can't imagine wasting that much honey! and 2) My 1/4 cup was already dirty. Ain't nobody got time to wash more dishes. Close enough, right?
• 1 tsp vanilla
• I used however much was left in the bottle. Hopefully this means I'll remember to add it to the grocery list.
• 2 tablespoons orange juice
• We have apple juice. We used apple juice.

Next, add the carrots.

It was at this point that I realized the recipe didn't call for bananas at all. AKA the whole reason I was making this second round of muffins in the first place.

Sigh. 

I decided to just Grandma Heins it and call it close enough.

Finally, mix it all together and add in your craisins (or raisins). The recipe calls for 1/2 cup. I don't have a clue how much I added.

And be sure to stir it with the same knife you used to measure off the flour. Because ain't nobody got time to put an extra knife in the dishwasher.

Bake those bad boys at 375 for 18 minutes or so.

It makes 12 tasty, tasty muffins.

Ahem. It did make 12, I promise.

I told you they were tasty.

Muffin-Cupcake Adventures

When it comes to alcohol, I have two loves.

Cold and refreshing.

My husband, my brother, my future sister-in-law and I went to Lucky Bucket Brewing Co. last weekend for some family bonding time.

I remember the first time I went to Lucky Bucket back in February with Mander.

From the looks of it, she was missing my brother quite a bit.

I also remember that awkward-agonizing-secret-keeping time before they were dating when I knew that she liked him, and that he liked her, and that she talked to me about him, and he talked to me about her, but she didn't know that he talked to me about her, and he didn't know that she talked to me about him, and all I ever did was nod, smile and shove my mouth full of crackers.

And find this hilarious card I wanted her to send him.

Anyway. When it comes to alcohol, there are two things I love.

Coconut rum and a good, dark beer.

Especially when they are in cupcakes.

This one likes cupcakes, too.

Truth be told. We were out of whipping cream. (False. We weren't out of whipping cream. I just never buy it. Or have it on hand. So you can't be out of something you don't normally have. You just don't have it.)

So. We didn't have whipping cream. Supposedly you can mix together melted butter and milk as a substitute.

You can't.

Well, you can. Maybe.

But we can't.

But. We can soak raisins in rum.

And improvise when the recently married woman lives in a tiny kitchen that only has room for a 6-cup muffin tin. And other adorable little things like ramekins and pie tins. Because everything is cuter when it's tiny.

Does anyone know if I can leave my pizza stone in the oven when I bake? Because I do.

Check out the recipe below for some spiked cupcakes. Keep reading for the next cupcake adventure.

My husband calls muffins, muffins. He also calls cupcakes, muffins. So for his sake, the next baking adventure is actually a muffin adventure.

He was the head chef this go-around.

But instead of reading me the directions like Martha Stewart would, he turned the recipe into a literacy wonder. True Joel-style.

Actually. If it was true Joel-style, he would be singing the directions to the tune of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean and rhyming thing like all-purpose flour with Whiskey Sour. Except when he rhymes it's clever and witty and makes you shake your head. And when I rhyme, I have to stop mid-sentence and pull out my rhyming dictionary.

I don't remember how he told the Stout Cupcakes story (because I was laughing too hard and trying to snap pictures before the camera died), but I do remember that it started:

"In the beginning was flour, and the flour was with the wheat, and the wheat-flour was with the soda and it baked."

 Joel also claims that any food that looks too good to eat, shouldn't be eaten. Because it doesn't taste good.

I'm not sure if that's true. But if it is. And if the converse of that statement is true....

Then theses cupcakes muffins will be the best sensation your mouth has ever experienced.

Wow. That looks even grosser than I remember it. I don't know why the brown sugar looks like a hamburger patty.



Anyway, this is how Martha's Stout Cupcakes turned out:

And this is hour the Kaldahl's Stout Muffins turned out:

You could call it a #MarthaStewartFail but that probably has a different definition than what we're using here.

But despite their gnarly appearance, their flavor was something to savor. (Confession: I had to Google words that rhyme with flavor. Marriage is a good thing. Make sure your spouse has strengths where you have weaknesses.)

And they tasted like molasses cookies before we doused them in beer icing.

So have some friends, neighbors or family over, and serve them some muffins!

Coconut Rum Raisin Cupcakes

Makes 36 Cupcakes

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups butter, room temperature

3 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup dark rum (we used spiced rum)

1 cup raisins

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

2 3/4 cups plus 2 tablespoons packed light-brown sugar

6 large eggs, room temperature (mine were straight from the fridge - oops)

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

3/4 cup heavy cream (just buy the real stuff)

1 cup sweetened flaked coconut

Rum-Caramel Glaze (Recipe follows)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 325. Brush standard muffin tins with butter; dust with flour, tapping out excess. In a bowl, pour rum over raisins, and let soak. In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt.

2. With an electric mixer on medium-high speed, cream butter and brown sugar until pale and fluffy. Add eggs, one at at time, beating until each is incorporated, scraping down sides of bowl as needed. Beat in vanilla. Reduce speed to low. Add flour mixture in three batches, alternating with two additions of heavy cream, and beating until combined after each. Mix in raisin mixture and coconut.

3. Divide batter evenly among prepared cups, filling each three-quarters full. Bake, rotating tins halfway through, until a cake tester inserted in center comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Transfer tins to wire racks to cool 20 minutes. Run a small offset spatula or knife around edges; turn out cupcakes onto racks and let cool completely. Cupcakes can be stored up to 3 days at room temperature in airtight containers.

4. To serve, set cupcakes on dessert plates, and spoon glaze over each. Alternatively, finish by placing cupcakes on a wire rack set over a baking sheet; spoon glaze over cupcakes, and let set. Cupcakes are best eaten the day the are glazed; keep at room temperature until ready to serve.

Rum-Caramel Glaze

* I didn't do this at all. I just mixed together coconut rum and powdered sugar.

1 cup sugar

1/4 cup water

1/4 cup dark rum

1/4 cup heavy cream

Heat sugar and the water in a heavy saucepan over medium, stirring occasionally, until sugar is dissolved and syrup is clear. Stop stirring, and cook until syrup comes to a boil, washing down sides of pan with a wet pastry brush to prevent crystals from forming. Continue to boil, gently swirling occasionally to color evenly, until mixture is medium amber. Remove from heat. Carefully stir in rum and cream (the mixture will spatter) with a wooden spoon until smooth. Let cool, stirring occasionally until thickened, about 5 to 10 minutes.

Stout Cupcakes Muffins

Makes 28 Muffins

Ingredients:

3 3/4 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon plus 1/8 teaspoon baking soda

1 3/4 teaspoons baking powder

1 1/4 teaspoons salt

1 tablespoon ground cinnamon

1 1/4 teaspoons freshly grated nutmeg (I didn't use this because my mom has successfully scared me into never using nutmeg in anything)

1 1/4 cups vegetable oil

1 1/4 cups unsulfured molasses

1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoons packed light-brown sugar (make sure you use that extra tablespoon)

2 large whole eggs plus 1 egg yolk

1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon finely grated orange zest (yeah. didn't have that either)

10 ounces stout beer, such as Guinness (or Lucky Bucket's Lager), poured and settled

Stout Glaze (recipe follows)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350. Line standard muffin tins with paper liners. Whisk together flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt cinnamon, and nutmeg.

2. With an electric mixer on medium-low speed, beat oil, molasses, brown sugar, whole eggs, yolk, zest and stout until combined. Reduce speed to low. Gradually add flour mixture, beating until just combined.

3. Divide batter evenly among lined cups, filling each three-quarters full. Bake, rotating tins halfway through, until a cake tester inserted in centers comes out clean, about 20 minutes. Turn out cupcakes onto wire racks to cool completely. Cupcakes can be stored overnight at room temperature, or frozen up to 2 months, in airtight containers.

4. To finish, place cupcakes on a wire rack set over a baking sheet; spoon glaze over cupcakes, and let set. Cupcakes are best eaten the day they are glazed; keep at room temperature until ready to serve.

Stout Glaze

2 cups confectioner's sugar, sifted

1/4 cup stout bear, poured and settled

Whisk together ingredients until combined. Use immediately.